Philly Cooks: Haiku Contest To Choose A Guest Judge

Posted by Jason Sheehan on January 30th, 2012

Come February 22nd, Philadelphia magazine is going to be pulling out all the stops with Philly Cooks–a full-bore food and wine event featuring the city’s best chefs, best booze and more. Before you ask, yes: There are Philly Cooks tickets on sale right now (at $75 a pop). But why shell out the green yourself when you can have a shot at not just eating for free, but joining our team of judges who will be choosing the night’s Best Entree, Best Appetizer, Best Dessert and Dish of the Year?

We have one spot open on the judging panel this year (for someone 21 or over), and all you have to do to be considered for this awesome responsibility?

Write us a poem.

A haiku, actually. Remember those from school? 17 syllables, divided into three lines of 5 syllables, 7 syllables and another 5 syllables. What could be easier? The subject for said haiku must be a restaurant review–good or bad–of any restaurant in Philly. Cleverness counts, as do both humor and seriousness. The job of judging is not one to be taken lightly, and neither is the job of haiku-reviewing. We’ll be taking submissions all week (in the comments section) and, come Friday, will announce a winner.

Oh, and for those of you who don’t win this coveted free trip to the trough, here’s the details about the event itself:

Philly Cooks
February 22, 2012
6:30 – 9 PM
33rd Street Armory and Drexel University
Tickets are $75 (must be 21+ with valid ID)

Philly Cooks [Official website]

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This entry was posted on Monday, January 30th, 2012 at 2:49 pm and is filed under Deals, Events, Food Nerd News, From the Magazine, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Hahri Shin

Chicken and Doughnuts
korean fried is the best
Federal Donuts
http://philadelphia.foobooz.com/author/jsheehan Jason Sheehan

@Hahri

That’s the idea. Nicely done. Two other things I should’ve added: The name of the restaurant can be used as the title (so therefore does not need to fit into the haiku body), and you can enter as often as you like–thereby upping your odds at awesomeness.
alex

Zeppoli is LOUD!
(Happiness from my belly
can be ear-splitting.)
alex

Khyber Pass: So great.
Glorious Frozen Julep.
Best. Brain freeze. Ever.
Jenn

A night on the town
A treat escape for dinner
Moshulu for two
Brian

“Modo Mio”

Among hipster hell
Italian mirage awaits
Your own turista
alex

Talula’s Garden
Give me all the cheese you have
And bring back pea soup.
http://ihatemyofficejob.blogspot.com/ JVL

waited in long line
audrey claire fig haloumi
i brought my own booze
alex

Most underrated?
Clearly Fond BYOB
Risotto greatness.
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/lacey-hagen/23/410/b76 Lacey Hagen

Ode to Jones

A Starr-y night with
blue devils and derby needs
morning monkey bread
http://www.fidelgastro.com Fidel Gastro

Texture abounds here
Middle of nowhere bar, full
Of Schroeder, sardines
http://gideonsbible.tumblr.com gijyun

a.kitchen makes up
for all that Serafina lacks
and so does Sbraga.
Shannon

“Farmer’s Cabinet”

Fifty hard-earned bucks
to drink punch and nibble cheese
bestride a barrel.
http://gideonsbible.tumblr.com gijyun

Woops:

a.kitchen makes up
for all Serafina lacks
and so does Sbraga.
Ben

Fill My Round Stomach
Fois Gras, Pretzel, Hoagie, Stilly
Decide Philly’s Best
Ben

Fill My Round Stomach
Fois Gras, Pretzel, Hoagie, Steak
Decide Philly’s Best
alex

How to do Zahav:
Go with five other people
Order everything

(please note pronunciation: eve·ry·thing? ?[ev-ree-thing])
diParma

They Come for Burgers
But All I Really Want Is
Pickled Vegetables.

“Village Whiskey”
http://www.fidelgastro.com Fidel Gastro

Thank poutine gods for
Renaissance of Levin and
Stoner food leanings
Tex

Handy Nasty–go
Eat its awesome dan dans now
If Han will let you.
http://www.rockaphilly.com Mands

“Shouts to Tien!”

Laundry is washing.
Do we wait until it drys?
Must have Pho Hoa now!
Tex

Vetri-so hard to
Get table! Even Sheehan
Couldn’t bribe his way.
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/lacey-hagen/23/410/b76 Lacey Hagen

Rum Bar

Tuesday I am queen
with a twenty, rum and apps
y guapo hombres
Tex

John’s in winter–roast
Pork heaven, but the steaks! Worth
The risk of frostbite.
Kevin

Philly cooks event
hope the food is really great
industrial swill

(a wine preview)
shayne

“Fogo de chao”

More than meats: the eye
cannot digest the survey
of Brazilian treats
shayne

“rum bar”

Ropa vieja–
years of sumptuous flavor
each bite, a story
shayne

Who knew there were drinks
at the old Village Whiskey?
We’re here for the fries.
shayne

Geno’s only knows
and poor Pat’s knows where it’s at:
Max’s relaxes
Lyn

“Frankford Hall”

tipsy Jenga joy
the amber picnic gleams bright
under/among starrs
holly

Jonesin!

Cravings are too strong.
Mashed potatoes are delish
JONES is amazing.
Tex

Bahn you, bahn mi–we
Must go to Q.T., and share
Heaven on a bun.
Tex

Pop pop, Pop Shop–no
Buttons can hold your massive
Plate of pancakes. Ah!
Tex

At Cafe Lutecia

Tomato bisque so
Great, you’ve asked for recipe.
Now run for your life!
Lauren

Vedge

To those who argue
that veggies are not sexy:
hit the dirt list, hard.
Josh

The beautiful poetry of dining at Han Dynasty:

My burning asshole
says “No! More chilis?” Me: “Yum!”
Wait–my asshole talks?
Gale Wierzbicki

Barbuzzo

Gay Gal’s Budino-
I’ll Never Need Sex Again…
Sweet Cream Orgasm.
Amanda

Sabrina’s

For munch, lunch, or a
delightfully, decadent
French toast-stuffed-brunch…yum!
http://honestchef.blogspot.com/ Melinda Van Niel

Talula’s garden
sparkles with honey, brioche
and that splendid cheese.
AG

Han’s Dan Dan noodles
Are saliva inducing
A spicy delight
Josh

Bibou

“Overrated and
stuffy French,” I lie. (Don’t steal
my reservation!)
Sometimes I prefer the sun

Percy Street

Pork Cheeks, Deviled Eggs
Food Coma from the “Lockhart”
No more to be said.
Gale Wierzbicki

Starr – your Disneyland
of ho-hum food and glitzy
theme spots make me wretch.
Gale Wierzbicki

Hot Diggity

Dogs so good, I want
to detach mine and replace
it with your Saigon.
Gale Wierzbicki

Barbuzzo (part two)

torture, anal rape,
or Beiber – things I’d endure
for a budino.
Gale Wierzbicki

Han Dynasty

Han and his dan dan –
evil Chinese crack dealer
has us by the balls.
Gale Wierzbicki

FedNuts

The donut nazi.
wait. step left. pay. no talk……MORE???!!!
…Yeah i don’t think so.
http://www.rockaphilly.com Lunah

Oh, Dim Sum Garden.
The hemispheres of my brain
Have become dumplings!
http://twitter.com/daveallenphilly Dave

Koo Zee Doo

Legit Portuguese
Huge, tender portions of meat
Save room for dessert
Justin

Oh Han Dynasty
Your Dan Dan noodles always
handle me nasty
Marie stone

Buddakhan

Creamy spicy fluff
Wasabi mashed potatoes
On divine cloud nine
http://quiztine.com CMF

“memphis taproom”

fried pickle dream land
a jillion bottles of beer
hell yeah port richmond
DMF

Zahav

Try the smoked sable
Solomonov is genius
Visit it often
DMF

10 Arts

Their jalapeno
margaritas and fish
burgers make me cream.
DMF

Marra’s

Pizza is okay
Rudest bitches work there
Stay classy, Philly
DMF

Ooops. Missed a syllable

Marra’s

Pizza is okay
Rudest bitches working there
Stay classy, Philly
DMF

Pub on Passyunk East

Why is it so dark?
Do hipsters actually eat?
cardboard seitan snacks
DMF

Barclay Prime

Myriad douchebags
gorging on overpriced food
Stay! We’ll eat elsewhere
Dan

“Barbuzzo”

A caramel treat.
So salty and sweet. It is–
BUDINOLICIOUS!
Jim

Capital Grille

Restaurant Week Rocks
Cheaper prices for good food
Saw Kris Humphries there
SuperAmigo

SOUTHWARK

Roasted Potatoes
Nubile, eager aioli
Tongue priapism
http://www.fullonfoodlust.com Kate Harner

“Amada”

Almost nothing that
is sexier than a Whole
Roasted Suckling Pig.
http://www.fullonfoodlust.com Kate Harner

“Stateside”

Give me liberty
or give me Maple Glazed Pork
Belly. No contest.
ML

Zahav

Oh Solomonov
Slather me in your hummus
Gives happy endings
http://www.fullonfoodlust.com Kate Harner

“Osteria”

Mark Vetri, Pizza
Genius. Lombarda makes me
all hot and bothered.

(note: “genius” pronounced with 2 syllables, “jean-yus”)
Shannon

“Garces Trading Company”

Garces: sausage tease.
Deep dish pizza does for now.
Corkage fees are lame.
Matt

“Vetri”

Gnocci light as air
Capretto and polenta
LaBan softly weeps
Liz S.

Heaven is Zahav
Savory, unique, and warm
Cauliflower Dreams
Natalie

Vetri

Spinach gnocchi like
Verdant pillows in my mouth
and salata bliss
Matt

“Tryst”

Bar below Walnut
Perrier brings sexy back
I’ll have a crab cake.
jeff zeaman

Buddakan

the best ever taste
Is Crispy Calamari
There is never waste
jeff zeaman

The Palm

Lobster Lobster Yum
3 to 6 pounds to enjoy
Don’t forget the Bib
Natalie

Kanella
The Cyprus breakfast
A salty heaven on earth
Food Network’s “Best Thing”
Denys Davis

Pasta Lamar Wow
Penne, lobster in cream sauce
Reisha’s where are you
Tex

Serafina throws
Leftovers in its alley.
Even the rats flee.
Tex

On Sundays, I weep.
What was here is gone, no more
Place for Dutch Eating.
Tex

Heaven is blue, it’s
About to lose Blue Angel.
Preemptive four bells.
Tex

I never thought I’d
Call an egg, some beef, a roll
My own Paesano!
Matt

“Marathon Grill”

A family feud
Marathon is on death watch
Matt

“Marathon Grill”

A family feud
Marathon is on death watch
Survey says “drop dead”
Lola

Tashan’s too pricey
when Tiffin will deliver
eat at home naked
Matt

“Geno’s Steaks”

Joe Vento to God:
“Is this heaven?” God replies:
“No habla ingles”
Matt

“Broad Street Diner”

It’s back from the dead
I hope they improved the food
Not a place for ribs
Matt

“Melrose Diner”

Greasy spoon diner
Everybody who knows goes
Somewhere with good food
Jessica Annas

La Locanda del Ghiottone

Check out those mussels
Mushroom crepes on nutmeg clouds
Fiery BYO
Jennifer

“Branzino”

A GREAT BYO
delicious osso bucco
cliff lee lives right there
Jennifer

“Villa de Roma”

Italian Market
Old school charm, carafes of wine
Rocky would attest!
Matt

“Morning Glory”

Always a long wait
For surly hipster waiters
And homemade ketchup
PJ

Yo Serafina!
You had so much potential,
but you missed the mark.
PJ

MEME

Oh sizzling mussels
You are the subject of dreams.
May I have you now?
Matt

“a.kitchen”

Sikora can cook
Salad dressed in Aimee’s tears
Bad karma tastes good
Matt

“Adsum (RIP)”

Their super poutine
Was Levin’s “panty-dropper”
Dads hide your daughters
PJ

THE DANDELION

Fish ‘n chips divine
There is none that doth compare
Even in England.
ML

El Vez

Salt lime ice straw yum
Macho nacho to the face
Booze makes Starr go round
Jean

ZINC

Paris chic bistro
Moules frites, fromage, oui!
Why travel by plane?
Jean

MERCATO

Italian market-
inspired menu, love the taste!
Wish they took charge cards.
Monica

VIET HUONG

Hot broth warming cheeks
Slurpy love story pho me.
Extra spicy lips.
Monica

VIET HUONG

Hot broth warming cheeks,
Slurpy love story pho me.
Extra spicy lips.
Jeanne

Han Dynasty
I dream of you weekly,
Addictive Dan Dan noodles.
Splendidly Sichuan!
Josh

Amis

What am I missing?
“Simple and nuanced” bores me.
Poor money value.
Naren

Morimoto-san,
Your prefecture is heaven;
Please beat Bobby Flay.
Naren

L’Angolo with you
Wine our blood and tender beef
Vibrant beating hearts.
Matt

“Amis response”

What are you missing?
Swordfish meatballs, rice pudding,
Pastas are divine
Phil Ayshio

“foobooz”

You used to be a
Good site about foodie news.
Now it is just suck.
Kevin

Umami delight
Wild mushrooms on toast with egg
Sycamore Lansdowne
Kevin

My home, Havertown
so many dining choices
every one pizza
Kevin (the other one)

“So close, yet so far (Bibou)”

Charlotte: Faire la bise
Pierre: Pieds de porc au foie
Me: Forgot my wine!
Rachel

Drinkers:

I can’t remember
The last night that I was there.
No really. Nothing.
Rachel

Barbuzzo:

I love pig popcorn.
Not really popcorn at all.
Midtown renaissance.
Hahri

Federal Donuts

Chicken and Doughnuts
korean fried is the best
sad face when all gone
Hahri

Barbuzzo

I have a lardon
for lardo pizza today
restaurant week sucks
Hahri

Amis

trattoria gem
squid ink pasta delicious
brad spence you da man
Leeann

POD

Pot stickers dumplings
Delicious dinner in a
Color changing pod
Hahri

David’s Mai Lai Wah

David my hero
salt pepper chicken divine
when eating late night
Hahri

Oyster House

aphrodisiac
buck a shuck happy hour
bow chica wow wow
Hahri

Varga Bar

brunch lunch dinner beer
pin up ladies on the wall
great no matter what
Hahri

Hop Sing Laundromat

why so secret yo
please give me v.i.p. pass
comes with fold service?
Catherine

“Pumpkin”

From farm to table
vermont quail and moulard duck
Ian’s food just rocks
Hahri

Doma

Ramen warms my soul
sashimi dinner for two
total buff hipsters
http://www.confessionsoftheid.com Wendy

KISSO

Orange and Black Room
Bite sized raw food thats perfect
Leaves me wanting more
Hahri

Han Dynasty

fire in the hole
beef tendon in chili oil
Sichuan peppercorn
Hahri

Amada

suckling pig roast
chicharron gives me wet dreams
a meal to die for
http://www.HollyEats.com Holly Moore

Cochon

Pig ears and trotters
Brains, cheeks, hearts and chitlins
What’s left for scrapple?
Hahri

Brauhaus Schmitz

liter of spatan
ein meterwurst i take on
side of sauerkraut
Hahri

Olive Garden

authentic, really?
Oh O.G. why you so bad
My fault for going
Hahri

PARC

hurray brasserie
people watching at its best
drunk off bellinis
liz

THE PRIME RIB

SERVICE TO DIE FOR
THE ATMOSPHERE CAN’T BE BEAT
GO NOW DON’T DELAY
Judith

haiku, actually. Remember those from school? 17 syllables, divided into three lines of 5 syllables, 7 syllables and another 5 syllables.

Pub & Kitchen

Churchill Prime
Ministers Parliament, too.
Pint for what ales you.
Judith

Pub & Kitchen

Churchill Prime
Ministers Parliament, too.
Pint for what ales you.
BlackNTan

Victor bribes Sheehan
Guest judge spot is “awarded”
F**king travesty
http://www.HollyEats.com Holly Moore

Having just learned to count to seven:

Cochon

Pig ears and trotters
Brains, cheeks, hearts and chitterlings
What’s left for scrapple?
Kevin

What a dilemma
Great BYOs / crappy wine
Thanks, PLCB
Kevin

Two sides of a coin
great BYOs / crappy wine
thanks, PLCB
Jessica Annas

Chloe

Mulberry’s neighbor
Fire-charred Caesar salad
OC secret treat
Hannah

Farmer’s Cabinet

Good luck with your rent.
Salty food! snarky waiters!
You won’t be here long.
Hannah

Cafe Soho

Your decor: disco?
Your fried chicken: expensive.
Your secret: twice fried!
Hannah

Osteria

Pizza! Tears of joy
Then tears of sadness, when I
realize it’s all gone.
Hannah

Nomad Pizza – Philly

Wow! Five Yelp reviews?!
How? You’re not even open!
Guess that pizza’s good!
Hannah

Supper

Scene of my first date…
Thanks for joining two foodies
over farm fresh food!
ML

Parc

cheese plate and foie gras
watch for flying baby carts
Westminster on rit
Moon

Percy Street

Oh so many cans
With those exquisite smoked meats
Finger-lickin’ good
Rachel

Garces Trading Company:

I love Jose’s brunch.

And if I forget wine, the

store is right there.
Rachel

Watkins Drinkery:

Bars on the windows

Won’t keep me from my game meat.

Or a Founders beer.
Rachel

Distrito:

Your guacamole

And VW seating is

worth the trolley trip
PJ

a.kitchen

Witness chef magic
Octopus with fruit, sublime
Two glasses of wine
http://ihatemyofficejob.blogspot.com/ JVL

Sabrina’s french toast
wish you had reservations
barking Chihuahua
Lindsey

Distrito – an ode to modern Mexican food

Kobe beef tacos
Guacamole sans onions
Get in my belly!
Lindsey

PYT

Never got our check.
Wonder if she got a tip.
Would not go again.
Lindsay

“John’s Roast Pork”

Hurry and order!
Mobsters, Suits, Fathers, and Sons
It’s fine my hands smell
Lindsay

“Fond BYOB”

Cozy and comfy
Foi gras poured tableside, oui!
Rich and flavorful shortribs
Lindsay

“Dim Sum Garden”

Under the o’er pass
Slurp, lick, and chew down the list
And pay with shrapnel
ML

El Vez has the dips
Guacamole on my chips
And ‘ritas for sips
Alan

“Federal Donuts”

Lavender torus
won’t linger; making way for
poultry in motion
ML

The Plough and the Stars
Stools by the fire are small
Make me feel so tall
ML

Worst Veggie Burger
The Continental wins that.
Can you say “processed”?
baa305

Meritage

Crispy Chicken Skin
Fine Technique and Great Flavors
Girl chefs rock my world
Lindsay

“South Philly Tap Room”

Stoner chef done good
Yuengling ‘mater soup, grilled cheese
Awesome beer choices
baa305

Le Viet

Pho Appetizer
Spring Rolls and Fish Sauce, Oh My!
Refined Viet Food
ML

Want some good au jus?
Nodding Head’s the place for you.
The fries are great too!
baa305

Pho 75

Hey Mother Pho Ga
No Frills Fresh Beef Noodle Soup
Get the iced coffee
Lindsay

“Sampan”

Best happy hour
Chatter, street art, and dumplings
Fish bowl with 8 straws
ML

Karma: Empty seats.
Old City Indian treats
No wait and great eats!
Raymond

Pasta lovers dream:
Liver rigatoni and,
Wild boar candele.

Trumpet mushrooms sound,
announcing the arrival,
of francoboli.

Pizza lombarda,
Give me your cotechino,
and I’ll never stray.

Anticipation…
Succulent fiorentina,
Savory heaven.

Torpid, contented,
I’ve broken resolutions,
for your budino.

James Beard was not wrong,
I applaud deft Chef Michaud,
on Osteria.
Alan

POD:

where’s my hot towel?
empty conveyer trudges on
green tea with sugar?
ML

La Scalla’s – Philly
Grilled Polenta Perfection
Sans or with Mushrooms
Megan

Village Whiskey:

Mmm burgergasm
you’re a gateway drug for
vegetarians
Jane

Tria:

Stinky cheese…yes please!
Small space, small plates…less is more
Only corks get screwed
Jane

Pat’s King of Steaks:

Children of the night
Carnivorous with hunger
Cheesesteak through the heart
Jane

Osteria (pizza):

Listen up, home slice
Others fall like dominoes
humbled by your pie
Matt

“Marathon Part Deux: Groundhog Day”

Lunch-time eviction
Marathon’s business model:
Just keep on scratchin’
Matt

“Zahav”

Means gold in Hebrew
Take your shiksa for a date
You’re sure to get laid
Jane

Tinto:

Blue, veiny and hard
or pungent, soft and weepy
I would tapas that
Amy

Oh my, Oyster House
Lobster roll, so decadent.
But a Vetri price?
mmgth

“Chickie and Pete’s” (South Philadelphia)

Cold cavern/cold beer
Crab legs/garlic butter sauce
Sunday afternoon
Jane

Memphis Taproom (Fried Kosher Dills):

Battered, not abused
This pickle gives me goose bumps
Don’t dilly dally
Matt

“John’s Roast Pork”

Best cheesesteak in town?
Let’s go to John’s for a steak!
Goddamit they’re closed
http://ihatemyofficejob.blogspot.com/ JVL

Thirteenth Barbuzzo
creamy sheeps milk ricotta
pan seared brussels sprouts

one dollar tacos
salted rim margaritas
El Rey happy time

franklin bar cocktails
there is an egg in my drink
salt and bitter truth
GKM

“Vegan Girl with a Black Heart”

Black-hearted vegan
how I thought you were the one
two worlds colliding

Tough choices between
me? in search of meat to eat
but you would have none

You missed the return
Resurrection fried chicken
honey glazed sweet love

And burger battles
Village Whiskey, P & K?
Parliament. Churchill.

Grindcore House is great
Royal Tavern sloppy joes
Blackbird slices bliss

Goodbye Horizons
but Vedge has risen forefront
R.I.P. our love

Fatality came
when you refused Fed Donuts
front page NY Times

I hate on seitan
Broken hearted left alone
My meat, she won’t eat

Found a new love now
meals now filled with beef and pork
But I want your buns.
Xtian

Barbuzzo

Budino be damned
what it’s really all about?
crispy brussel sprout
Jen R

“Tequilas”

Went out with the guys
Ate them under the table
Food. Was. Amazing!

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Philly Cooks: Haiku Contest To Choose A Guest Judge