Portofino

You know what I think is awesome? Singing waiters.

No, seriously–right behind hedge fund managers and any former reality show contestant, a singing waiter is exactly who I’d want to be stuck with in a stalled elevator, for example. Or in line at the DMV. Or on a plane on a three-hour ground-delay. I mean, imagine how much we’d have to talk about, this singing waiter and me! He could tell me all about the years he’s spent crafting both his service skills and his singing voice, how he worked hard to become the best in what I have to assume is a very limited career field and then how he finally–finally!–got his big break when it was announced that the Walnut Street Supper Club would be holding auditions for singing waitstaff back in October. He could tell me how he couldn’t sleep at all the night before the audition. How he was shaking when he stepped out onto the stage. How he just nailed his rendition of “76 Trombones”–all while setting a service for 8 and seating an imaginary party.

And then I could ask him why he insisted on making baby Jesus cry by singing Le Nozze di Figaro and Judy Garland’s version of “Get Happy” at the top of his hateful little lungs in the middle of a crowded dining room while totally innocent bystanders were just trying to enjoy their antipasti and tiramisu unmolested.

And then I think we’d be pretty much done talking.

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